- Neurodivergent Kaïa - - My life with Autism & ADHD

What Your Boomer Parents Will Likely Never Understand

On September 14, 2024

Let me start by saying that I love my Boomer parents dearly and am fortunate to have a good relationship with them.

And I have felt like the black sheep in my family for almost my entire adult life. I feel ashamed that as an adult I have struggled so much to secure stable employment. Don’t even get me started about trying to find a job that pays you what you’re worth. Does that unicorn even exist?

Before my AuDHD diagnosis, when I had yet to develop an understanding of late-stage capitalism (or “terminal” capitalism as I darkly call it), I couldn’t understand why no matter how hard I tried, I failed to secure stable, paid, enjoyable work.

During my college portfolio show, I was recruited to work as a Production Designer for a local retail brand. They sold formal dresses for prom, homecoming, quinceañeras, and other special occasions. We don’t need to get into the irony of how I boycotted my own prom because as an Autistic I felt othered by my fellow students. Oh, and that dancing in public is one of the most terrifying things for me!

I didn’t stay at that first job long. The owner, my boss, ended up being a tyrant who screamed at my coworkers (thankfully never me), eagerly talked sh*t about clients, demanded we work overtime without extra pay, sincerely declared she could spot a closeted gay man, and generally enjoyed flexing her power in uncomfortable ways.

I asked my parents what I should do. With such a stressful work environment, continuing work at that job did not feel sustainable. Plus, I feared the day that my boss would catch me in her cross-hairs. Why should I tolerate being paid barely above minimum wage to deal with such an explosive and unkind human?

But I also didn’t want to leave my very first real job out of college. Also, I had been recruited – they had wanted me. As someone, who rarely catches the attention of anyone, this made me feel special. I remember laughing to myself cynically as I thought about how my next job would not so straightforwardly seek to employ me.

My parents agreed. I should “stick it out.” They cautioned me to keep the job for at least one year, or else it would start me off on the wrong foot in my career. After a year, I could quit, and move on to another job.

I however could not fathom how that would be mentally possible. My stress was maxed out, I worked in fear, and I was doing work beneath my skill level for not that much pay. I could barely make it through the next week, let alone another month, and certainly not an entire year. I paled to think of what would be left of me after a year at that job. Would I recognize the ghost of a person who emerged after one whole year there? It did not feel remotely worth the agony.

So, I did what I have often done in my adult life, I honored my inner voice, and quit that job.

I worked for some time as a Freelance Graphic Designer, which was the closest I’ve come to the “starving artist” trope. But I continued to dream of being a small business owner. I now know this dream was largely fueled by my neurodivergent need for control, routine, and work I could live with doing the rest of my working years.

In 2021 after closing yet another failed business and receiving my AuDHD diagnosis, an understanding finally clicked into place. It was the answer I had been searching for my entire working life – the answer to the question of why I couldn’t secure stable work that offered a living wage.

I have AuDHD and only about 61% of adults with Autism are employed in the U.S. That number drops to 48% worldwide.
We’re living in late-stage capitalism which for a multitude of reasons renders my ability to secure stable work with adequate pay or operate a small business near impossible.

Millennials in general struggle with things our parents did not:

Sky high college tuition and student loan debt
Rent that has increased faster than salaries and was recently found to be controlled by an illegal algorithm
A global pandemic
Costly extreme environmental phenomenons: way more wildfires, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, land slides, scorching hot days
A federal minimum wage of $7.25 that hasn’t changed since 2009, an abnormally long time for no update.
A housing market few can buy into because, again, salaries and home prices have not increased symbiotically, the way they once used to.
A business landscape in which way fewer “mom and pop” businesses exist, and increasingly, monopolies reign supreme

Sure, our parents faced their own unique struggles. But generally speaking, the challenges Millennials and younger generations face today are monumental by comparison.

Then add into the mix that you are neurodivergent or have another disability, and the hope of someday securing a comfortable life, with stable work, starts to take the shape of a silly fantasy.

Our parents were taught to, “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” and if you “put in the time and work hard enough, everything will work out”. Or basically, “A+B=C.” Easy peasy, right? When I tell my parents about my employment struggles, they give me versions of this response. Today, however A+B ≠ C. Instead the calculation is some hella complex mathematic equation that few have the ability to figure out.

With late-stage capitalism in full swing, bootstrapping and work ethic typically only make a difference if you’re born into money and have connections… and it also really helps if you’re a white neurotypical man.

We live in an era where no matter how much hard work you put into your career, it often doesn’t lead to success. Instead, all bootstrapping and working hard will get most neurodivergents and even neurotypicals, is burnout, a deep feeling of failure, and the fervent need to escape to the countryside to live on a homestead.

As much as our Boomer parents may be aware of the current problems we face, they often remain stuck in the same mentality. I get it, strategies that have been ingrained into you your whole life, strategies that have even worked for you in the past, are hard to put away.

It’s just a shame that a lifetime of experience, wisdom, and knowledge continuously gets stuck in this loop of outdated ideas, rather than being put to valuable use. I wish I could ask my parents for their insight, and they would filter their response through a modern lens that understands the their old approaches are not the best solution for me in 2024.

What’s the result of being stuck with old ideas and no new strategies? An inability to even begin the job hunt.

Brains are smart. Brains are logical. That’s kind of their whole deal. But many of our brains have been fooled too many times into believing that job hunting will actually secure us stable employment and a living wage. Through trial and error, our brains have come to know better than to believe that lie. Or at least our brains are convinced it’s a lie…

Mine being an ADHD brain, knows that I am deficient in dopamine. So it’s not going to fruitlessly dispel what little dopamine I have for a task that has proven in the past to be so wildly unsuccessful. No, that would be a dangerous waste of resources.

And so we remain stuck, in this exhausting loop of under-employment, searching endlessly for a solution with what little energy remains.

The entire time I’ve been writing this blog post, “Closer to 30” by Sarah Beth has been playing in my head. And honestly, it sums up this post so succinctly.

“Dissociating” is losing its meaning

By Kaïa

On May 27, 2024

In ADHD Info

Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of ADHD creators using the term “dissociating” to describe our tendency to day dream without consciously realizing that we’re doing so, and our general need to detach to recharge our minds. This means we might come out of a day dream only to realize we’ve missed a whole chunk of conversation, the last 3 minutes of the tv show we’re watching, or the names of the people we just met at a networking event.

But here’s the thing, that’s not the only way to dissociate and by not understanding all the ways dissociation is experienced, you leave folks out of the conversation.

Better Health Australia defines dissociation as, “A mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.” Mind.org describes the symptoms of dissociation as, “you may feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal… Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.”

Yes, day dreaming is a common way to experience dissociation. But dissociation is also so much more nuanced than that!

I’ll cut right to it – In 2019 I was hit by a car. I looked multiple times before I crossed the street. I made sure the walk light was on. I waited for a few impatient cars to turn and pass in front of me before heading into the crosswalk. But as careful as I was, I still got hit.

For months afterwards I was understandably terrified to cross streets in downtown Portland. I had done everything right, so why wouldn’t it happen again?

I spent many months avoiding going out at night when cars were harder to see and would only go if my partner escorted me.

I still make detours to avoid crosswalks like the one where I was hit. I still feel the need to keep my eye on every single car near me.

It’s only been in the last year that I’ve finally started to feel more like myself. But even so, last year I experienced something strange.

Once again, I found myself waiting to cross a busy street in downtown Portland. I waited until the walk sign signaled for me to cross, I took a single step forward – and was almost run over by someone on an electric scooter, riding on the sidewalk. If I hadn’t reacted as quickly as I had, they would have ran into me.

It was such a close call. Too close of a call.

I felt like the traffic gods were toying with me. I also felt so incredibly lucky as I safely crossed the street. But once I had crossed and turned a corner, as soon as I was alone, I broke down sobbing.

The incident brought back too many feelings and memories of when I had been hit, memories I had worked so hard to bury. I once again felt entirely powerless over my personal safety. It felt incredibly unfair. It seemed as hard as I tried to do the right thing, make sure I was safe, I continued to dance with death.

Plus, things jumping out in surprise at you is never a recipe for fun when you’re Autistic. We like everything controlled and in its predictable, assigned place.

I put myself back together and continued on my way to the grocery store where I had been headed. I thought I was in the clear. I thought I had addressed and processed my emotions. But that night it hit me. Pun intended?

I was cleaning my bedroom, folding clothes, when I realized I was seeing images in my mind that I wasn’t actively thinking into existence. There were just random images popping up, like lost clips of movies I didn’t remember watching. Most of what I saw was abstract, almost like a macro photo zoomed in so close it was hard to tell what I was looking at.

Each of the images was accompanied by an emotion. I would feel like I was remembering a happy memory, but it was just out of reach because I couldn’t quite bring the memory into focus. My inability to connect context to the images and associated feelings, to make sense of them, caused me to panic. And as soon as I began to panic, the emotions latched on and sped away like a runaway train. I suddenly found myself sobbing, but having no idea why.

I was so scared my brain was broken.

I would try to think about:
• why this was happening
• what the memories really were
• why I was sad
• anything… anything at all

But I simply could not think without new strange images appearing and confusing me further. It was like the thinking part of my brain had been turned off, and I was left all alone without guidance. I felt untethered from the very thing that made me me, my thoughts, my memories, my mind.

I had the strange sensation that my mind was like a balloon, and if I tried to think too hard, I would foolishly, forgetfully let go of that balloon, and my mind would float away, never to be seen again.

When I later described this unsettling experience to my therapist, she said that I had likely experienced a dissociative trauma response, similar to what folks with PTSD go through, because of the close call with the scooter. I had already lived through the traumatic event of being hit by a car, and those memories had resurfaced that day. My mind had fled in horror from the trauma, leaving me alone, and confused.

She described it as my brain’s way of “taking a break” because the stress had become too much. That made a lot of sense to me.

I went on to have another similar experience not long after. That time, knowing why it was happening, made it easier to get through. But I also felt such an immense feeling of betrayal that my brain had “ditched me.” It had given up – my brain didn’t want to deal with me and my silly problems. So it had left to take a nap like an overworked parent dealing with a fussy child.

I’ve since tried to describe my experience with trauma-related dissociation to my friends and understandably they don’t get it.

Then recently dissociation started trending on social media in the ADHD community and I became hopeful that my experience would become more common knowledge. But because dissociation has only been described in this ADHD day dreamy kind of way, my friends began to think they understood, but they still did not.

Instead I felt misunderstood in an entirely new way in which people unintentionally devalued and overlooked the experience of those who have gone through this trauma-infused form of dissociation.

Something similar has happened to the term “trauma” over the last handful of years. It also blew up on social media, and suddenly everyone was talking about their “trauma” and using the word to describe every bad thing that had happened to them. But it left folks who had survived deeply disturbing events feeling invisible.

I once heard Seerut Chawala, a psycotherapist in London, say that before you use the word “trauma” to describe your experience, think deeply about if it really was traumatic or just deeply bad. Trauma leaves you scarred, it impacts how you go about your daily life, it infiltrates your thoughts, it haunts your dreams.

It’s also true that neurodivergent folks more easily experience trauma.

Everyone’s experience with trauma and dissociation is different. When we use these umbrella terms like “dissociation” to describe just one way in which it is experienced, you not only incorrectly use the word, you exclude folks. And typically when we’re talking about mental health openly, what we’re actually trying to do is make the world a more inclusive place. So don’t let your efforts go to waste!

To describe the dissociation I experienced as “day dreaming” is inaccurate and harmful. My experience was terrifying and so much deeper. Unfortunately, instead of social media accurately teaching folks about dissociation, it actually turned dissociation into a monolith.

Just as every ADHD person is different, everyone has different trauma and everyone’s experience with dissociation is unique.

So please, the next time your friend talks to you about how they were “dissociating the other day,” ask them how deep it was and what the experience was like. Make an effort to understand their unique experience.

Please Unsubscribe Me.

By Kaïa

On February 23, 2024

In ADHD Info, Planning & Organization

I recently became enraged when a subscription I put a lot of time and energy into tracking, placed an order I did not anticipate, and sent me my umpteenth bottle of conditioner that I definitely did not need.

In recent years, many online businesses have adopted a product subscription business model. Product subscriptions are not only exceedingly capitalist, they also throw accessibility standards out the window.

To clarify, when I say “product subscription” I do not mean a service subscription, like how you receive your internet, phone service, or content streaming. Service subscriptions are the OG subscription model, and for them a subscription not only makes sense, it benefits both the business and the customer.

To make this more fun, below I’m going to refer to the product being sold as “bananas.”

In case you somehow haven’t encountered a company whose bananas are only available via product subscription, here’s a quick rundown:

A company using a product subscription requires you to commit to and schedule an ongoing (forever) order, to receive their bananas. On a scheduled date each month your account will be charged and a shiny new banana will arrive at your door.

A product subscription is different from auto-ship in a 3 key ways:

• When you put bananas on auto-ship, you have the freedom to select how often you’d like to receive your bananas. You can often schedule bananas to arrive anywhere from every week to upwards of every 6 months. Thus auto-ship is flexible to accommodate your budget, while still granting you the ease of automatic banana delivery.

However, with a subscription model you are limited to a narrow order window that often only allows you to schedule your next order a few weeks out (max). Which leads to you either receiving WAY too many bananas for one human, or being charged with the task of obsessively monitoring your banana subscription and pushing out your order date manually every few weeks.

• You can cancel an auto-ship order and still order those same bananas. You can also easily re-activate an auto-ship order, should you change your mind.

Whereas, if you cancel a subscription and want to re-order those same bananas, well… too bad! You’ll either have to set-up a brand new account, or go through a complex re-ordering process to regain access.

• You often receive a discount for setting up an auto-ship order.

Product subscriptions don’t offer a discount because a subscription is the only order method available.

Why are subscription models gross (hint: eww… capitalism)?

You had better hope you:

Earn a living wage.
Only need and use the bananas purchased via the subscription.
Are perfect at keeping track of your bills.

Doesn’t sound like you?

Well, you’re in the majority there. For a low-income individual, product subscriptions will punish you if you forget to reschedule an order that you don’t need. In fact, forgetting could completely derail your budget and may force you to dip into your savings, or worse forgo buying essentials, like food.

Subscriptions promise customers that “it will be so much easier if you don’t have to think about ordering more bananas when you need them and just let us handle it.” But in my experience, it’s only led to me having an overabundance of bananas that it will take me literal years to use… and bananas expire! These companies are suspiciously over-optimistic about the amount of bananas a single human needs… The wastefulness of the forced consumerism they are creating is nauseating.

For someone with ADHD, a product subscription is completely inaccessible. And unfortunately, sometimes a good product is only available via subscription… These companies are asking folks with ADHD to remember they have a subscription on a specific website, that requires routine check-ins every few weeks, unless they’re fine with receiving a bajillion bananas. Even with the best intentions and setting multiple reminders for myself, I still couldn’t remember to reschedule my orders. And I have hyper-organized Autism on my side to compensate for my ADHD! Yet I am still up to my ears in bananas that I won’t need for a long time. Y’all, this is the ADHD tax in action.

The subscription model was not designed for product-based businesses and it’s clear why. It is not good business to choose a sales model that doesn’t benefit your customers. Seriously – how do these companies expect to build a loyal consumer base?

Let’s be real. A business that puts money before customer joy, is just plain greedy… And personally, that’s not where I want to spend my hard earned dollars.

My Neurodivergent Chronic Pain Story

By Kaïa

On June 3, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, The Basics

Get under your weighted blanket and grab a cozy drink. My chronic pain story is a long one! And yes, I’m about to get spicy…

Travel back in time with me to about 2010 when my spine twisted so severely that it pulled my left rib out. The cause? Scoliosis and Kyphosis… and trying to do too many sit-ups, if I’m being honest (har har). I’ve been dealing with back pain ever since.

Somewhere along the way, the pain became my daily companion, and eventually reached chronic levels. Then in October of 2019 I was hit by a car while crossing a city street and landed on my back. To this day I have residual injuries from that traumatic event.

After the rib incident, I sought treatment for my back pain from my doctor. My well-meaning chiropractor at the time told me that if I didn’t seek treatment, I would likely have trouble walking by the time I was 30. My doctor instructed me to write directly to my healthcare provider. I spent hours composing a detailed letter, pleading to receive treatment. But still I was denied care because my condition was “not severe enough” and was “life long.” Ultimately because my condition couldn’t be “fixed”, my healthcare provider refused to invest in helping me feel better because it would cost them too much money in the long-run. Huzzah, Capitalism rears its ugly head!

When my back pain worsened around 2017, I brought my mom with me as moral support to my doctor’s appointment and demanded I receive care for my back. My (new) doctor acted confused that I had been denied care in the past and I finally began a life-changing journey of consistent Physical Therapy that has made a world of difference.

“But Kaïa,” you ask, “isn’t this blog about AuDHD, not chronic pain?” Well, yes. But the two are linked. And boy, what a relief it was to learn that! Let me tell you why…

A particular doctor’s appointment will forever stick out in my mind because for years the information my doctor gave me puzzled me. After another round of spine x-rays, my doctor remarked, “Looking at your x-rays I see no reason why you should be experiencing such a high level of pain. The degree of your spine’s curvature is so small that patients like you typically experience no pain.” She wasn’t denying my spine was abnormal, or trying to dismiss my pain, she was merely making an observation. But it led me for years to wonder why if my scoliosis and kyphosis were both mild, they were causing me chronic pain?

It wasn’t until I received my AuDHD diagnosis that I uncovered the answer. As neurodivergents we possess a hyper-sensitive nervous system. We’re also prone to hyper-mobility. As a result people who are neurodivergent are more likely to also deal with chronic pain.

I’ve been dealing with my back pain for roughly 13 years now. I’ve put in a lot of determination, commitment, time, energy and yes tears to get where I am today. It’s been an exhausting journey that has tested me. I’d like to say that I’ve done the hard work so now I feel all better. “Ok, bye guys, this blog post is all done!” But it’s not that simple.

Is my body stronger? Yes. Is my back straighter? Hell, yes! Is my body more resilient? Most of the time. But for every bit of progress I make, another year passes, my body inevitably gets older, and the pain grows a little more. So my progress is more akin to keeping pace with my changing body, and slowing the degradation of my condition.

And that’s where I’m at today in my chronic pain story.

I want to share the treatments, mindsets, strategies, and tools I’ve implemented (and accumulated) in my 13 year journey. These are the things that have worked for me and it is my hope that they’ll work for someone else too.

If you’re dealing with chronic pain or caring for someone who is, know that I see you, and I want to help you. No one should have to carry the burden of chronic pain alone. It’s already a heavy enough burden for one person.

I’ll be honest though, I’ve been reluctant to write a post like this, even though it continues to be a topic I want to write about. Please remember, I am not a doctor, and this is not medical advice. We are all unique, and what works for me might not work for you.

5 Treatments I Actively Pursue:

Chiropractor: Cupping, Taping, E-Stim, Graston.
Physical Therapy
Pain Therapy
Acupuncture
Regular talk therapy

5 Mindset Shifts I’ve Made:

People are probably going to gaslight you whether they mean to or not. Try not to let it discourage you in your pursuit of treatment.
Our minds are powerful tools! Addressing mental health issues is important in decreasing your pain levels. When we are joyful, our bodies stop paying as much attention to pain, and our pain decreases!
Know that you are an imperfect human (we all are) and you can only do so much. Some days I may not have the physical or mental energy to complete all of my PT exercises, and that’s ok. I am an imperfect human doing my best! As my friends at Center For Body Trust say, “Aim for a C-” and whenever you can reach for that A+, great!
Be respectful of and gentle with your body.
Recognize that there are activities you can no longer do comfortably. I used to love running and jog around my neighborhood. But my body can no longer support this activity.

21 Strategies & Tools I Implement:

I don’t know what I would do without my foam roller. It’s the most powerful tool in my arsenal and I have even shoved it into my suitcase on occasion when I travel.
Don’t be afraid to ask someone you trust to help you self-advocate for the care you need!
You can switch doctors if your needs are being ignored. I switched doctors when I was originally denied care, and found one who (shocker!) actually provides me with care.
Motion is lotion! Exercise often (but within reason) to strengthen the muscles that specifically support where your pain lurks. A huge part of my journey to less pain has been building muscles all over my back to support areas where my spine makes my body work too hard.
Drink lots of water. Did you know that when you’re dehydrated your pain levels increase?
Use the spoonful of sugar strategy to help you get through less appealing tasks. But remember, to be kind to yourself and rest if you’re in too much pain to take on that task today!
Delegate painful tasks to others. My partner has kindly taken on cleaning chores that are now too tasking for my body.
Be ready for anything! Did your shoulder suddenly start throbbing yesterday and it still hasn’t stopped? Adjust your physical therapy plan to focus on exercises and stretches that target your shoulder.
On that note, exercise the pain out! It blew my mind when I learned that gently exercising a troubled muscle usually makes it feel better because using the muscle forces it to release tension.
Go on a gentle calming walk. Go breathe in that tree air!
You can eat ginger to soothe nausea and take a magnesium supplement to ease pain.
Biofreeze is your friend! Other icey/hot balms like Tiger Balm and Bengay are good too!
Having a massage gun and/or a hand-held (plug-in) back massager around for emergencies can eliminate a lot of pain!
I keep a TENS unit around for days when my pain is high. A TENS unit is like a portable, at home E-STIM machine that you wear under your clothes. I actually wore mine to a wedding, under my bridesmaid dress because I knew I would be standing all day (something that is really challenging for my body).
Distract yourself from the pain. In too much pain to leave your house comfortably? Call or video chat with a friend or family member to seek emotional support and distract yourself from your pain. No energy for socializing? Watch a TV show or movie, or listen to a podcast or favorite playlist to distract yourself. Music is especially healing for me and I have a specific playlist for each of my different moods.
Socialize in-person too! Feeling connected to other humans and fostering good mental health is an important step in reducing your pain.
Snuggling with a pet is also considered medicine in my book! Growing up, my parents always referred to our cats as “nurse kitties” whenever someone was sick.
Take a hot shower to calm your angry body.
Drink tea. It’s like a warm shower for your insides? No. Just me? Ok.
Something I’m trying to be better about is meditating more regularly. My ADHD hates meditating though, whereas my Autism loves it. I use the insight timer app (because it’s FREE). But the Calm app is good too!
I sleep in a nest of pillows. I don’t know how else to describe this… But I have a pillow for each arm to rest on when I lay on my side, and a pillow that goes between my knees. I joke that it’s my “princess and the pea” situation.

It can take years to finally successfully manage chronic pain. I’m not sure my pain levels today (though still a constant companion) would be considered “chronic”. So rest assured, the effort is well worth it, and yes, you too will get there someday.

I believe in you!

What is it Like to be Extremely Self-Aware with AuDHD?

By Kaïa

On May 31, 2023

In Autism Info, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety

I am extremely self-aware. Most of the time, too self-aware. And I’m learning that neurodivergents in general tend to fall on the edges of the spectrum when it comes to self-awareness. We’re either extremely self-aware or we lack a sense of self-awareness entirely.

For me, being hyper self-aware has led some individuals to praise me for being intuitive. Whereas others scold me for being “paranoid”.

What does being extremely self-aware look like for me?

I notice every. little. thing. going on inside me: I catch health concerns so early that my doctor often doesn’t know what to make of it at first. Take for instance my alopecia that took 1 year to diagnose because I caught it so early doctors couldn’t initially detect it.
I deeply understand how my mind works: Therapists frequently tell me that “I’m already doing everything I should be” or that “I seem to already have all the answers”. However, my RSD feeds into my overt self-awareness by making me overthink my self-aware thoughts. So even though others may tell me “I already have all the answers,” it’s extremely difficult for me to come to this conclusion on my own.

I have also lived most of my life being haunted by the feeling that there was a piece of information I was missing about myself… my AuDHD diagnosis. My self-awareness knew for many years that I was neurodivergent, but had no name for what I was experiencing. When I asked for help, I was told I would “outgrow it”.

Having an extreme sense of self-awareness often makes it difficult for me to find the help I need because I typically identify problems that are too unique to easily solve.

Fortunately, I inherited a love of gathering data from my dad and I truly enjoy digesting as much information as I can. I’m genuinely curious about my “true self”. I want so badly to understand her and how my brain works. I know that this process of understanding is a life-long journey though, for all of us.

There’s a quote from David Bowie that describes this concept perfectly, “Ageing is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.” I’ve always felt myself to be in the constant pursuit of uncovering who I truly am, and finally being able to comfortably be my most authentic self.

So yes, I seek help for the problems my hyper self-awareness uncovers, when the solutions I find aren’t enough. But I often find there aren’t many other solutions out there. It’s a frustrating and discouraging experience to search and search for the end to a problem, only to find no end in sight.

Per usual the game of life is on “hard mode” for me and other neurodivergents.

All that being said… even though my hyper self-awareness often creates problems by overloading my brain with concerns, I do greatly appreciate it in other ways. I like that I understand myself more deeply than other people my age typically do. It makes me feel like for all the difficulties my AuDHD might cause me, at least I know myself better than most.

I already feel like a more authentic human.

Autistic Burnout & Recovery Tips

By Kaïa

On April 26, 2023

In Autism Info, Masking, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety, The Basics

In 2022, I began the arduous process of changing careers. Why? Because I was burnt out. The field I was working in (Graphic Design) ended up being highly competitive and ultimately not my true skill set.

For years, I had been working so incredibly hard just to find a shred of work, that I lost almost all my desire to work on personal creative projects in my freetime. I hope someday I’ll enjoy photography and illustration again… but for the moment, I’ll let those interests take a breather.

Recently, I discovered my burn out goes even deeper than “traditional” burn out. I’m also dealing with neurodivergent burnout.

Though, I find my neurodivergent burnout interacting with both my Autism + ADHD, I’m going to primarily talk about Autistic burnout today since there is more information available about it.

What does Autistic burnout look like for me?

I’m SO tired all the time… even though I get a solid 8 hours of sleep most days.
My anxiety is a constant companion and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m anxious.
It’s difficult for me to complete even the simplest task because it takes steps to complete, and those steps require too much brain power when my brain feels fried.
The wall in my mind is even more solid than normal and it is especially difficult for me to access information. So I find myself stumbling over my words more frequently.
I have a much lower tolerance for socializing. My partner now assumes that I will be too socially exhausted to play videogames with our friends on the weekend. Virtual socializing has always been especially taxing for me because it’s extra challenging to read social cues over just video or audio.
I’m experiencing an increase in selective mutism. I normally experience some selective mutism when I first wake up in the morning or when I don’t know how to navigate a social situation. Since regular burnout often results in a shorter temper, my selective mutism is activated more frequently.
I’m so overwhelmed that it’s extra hard for me to remember what I need to remember. I find myself making sloppy mistakes as a result.
Oh my goodness, I’ve never been so clumsy in my life! I think I’ve burned myself on the stove more times in the last few months than I have in my entire life.

I’ve been researching and researching what to do to help both of the types of burnout I’m experiencing. But being the self-aware superstar that I am, I’ve already been doing most of the recommended treatments.

You’d think this would make me feel good. But I’m left with the question, “Well, what do I do now”? The burnout is still here, alive and well.

Here are a few things I’m trying:

I’m socializing exclusively with friends and family who encourage me and who I can be less masked around.
I’m seeking comforting activities that give a more immediate reward like: watching old tv shows / movies, taking a bath, playing (relaxing) video games.
I’m seeking mental health support.
I’m temporarily reducing social activities and other more stressful tasks from my to-do list.
I’m taking more frequent breaks during the day.
I’m exercising more! Gotta get those happy brain juices flowing.
I’m taking a shower before bed to relax better.
I’m sleeping with a fan, use noise canceling headphones, wear loop ear plugs, and wear sunglasses more often to eliminate sensory issues.
I’m building tools to address and prevent future burnout. Problem solving always helps my brain feel better!

The best advice though? Know your personal symptoms of burnout and take preventative measures… before you actually get burnt out.

I now work as a Copywriter where my natural talents are being put to use. I realized the importance of pursuing a career that uses your innate strengths versus a career you are simply passionate about. I know I made the right choice because now my work excites me, completing my work is easy, and I leave work to happily write in my personal time.

Traveling with AuDHD

By Kaïa

On March 24, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Planning & Organization, Sensory Issues

As many of you know, I love to travel! In fact, I live to travel! If I could travel most of the year (and comfortably bring my cats along) I would.

But rather ironically, traveling goes against a lot of my neurodivergent needs. Traveling is unpredictable, it requires a lot of social energy, and it pushes my sensory sensitivities to the MAX. But somehow it is all worth it!

The following is a guide for other neurodivergents and their traveling companions. I hope these tools will help make traveling more accessible for all my neurodivergent friends out there!

Steps to take & general recommendations for traveling as (or with) a neurodivergent individual:

1. Plan out your trip in great detail!

I cannot stress this one enough.

For me this means planning out each day of my trip. I’m flexible though, and often don’t assign a specific day to the “day plans” I create. Or in other words, what am I doing tomorrow on my trip? Well, which one of the day plans I created makes the most sense for the weather tomorrow, my predicted energy level, and what I’m in the mood for?

Some neurodivergents take this detailed planning a step further and plan out their meals. Knowing exactly what they’ll be ordering and eating each day is comforting to them.

Plan out your trip in the amount of detail that makes you feel the most comfortable. It’s a vacation after all, and you deserve to enjoy it!

My partner and I plan our trips in a shared Google spreadsheet that we both dump ideas and other trip information into. Before an upcoming trip, I’ll use that accumulation of information to plan out the days of our trip.

2. Always have (at least) a vague back-up plan for your “day plan” in case something falls through. This will help curb your anxiety if plans change.

3. Bring noise-canceling headphones and/or Loop ear plugs (or regular ear plugs). Minimize sensory overload as much as you can!

4. Bring sunglasses – Again, take care of those sensory concerns.

5. Even if it means you have to bring a larger suitcase, don’t skimp on bringing what you need to feel comfortable. Of course, still do this within reason (unless you’re Hermione Granger and have an extension charm on your bag).

For me this means bringing things that help me sleep better. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is, let alone in a strange bed in a new place.

6. If you’re traveling with a friend you’ve never traveled with, don’t make your first trip together a big important expensive trip (oh la la). Try a local trip first to make sure your traveling styles mesh well together.

7. On that note, only travel with friends and family members who understand that you will need more structure in your travel itinerary.

Set yourself up for success! Make sure they understand that this structure exists to help you feel safe and in control of an unpredictable situation (traveling).

8. If possible, rely on a friend or family member to take photos for / of you.

My partner shares a lot of his photos with me in a shared Google Photos folder. Having access to his photos helps soothe my anxiety over having to remember to take my own photos.

Also, with a poor memory due to ADHD, photos are even more important to me because they help me remember what my brain will likely forget.

9. While on your trip, use the bathroom whenever you see a bathroom… even if you don’t have to go! Your ADHD brain will thank you later.

10. On that note, also drink water whenever you can! It’s hard enough to remember to drink water on a normal day with ADHD. Make sure you don’t become dehydrated while traveling.

11. While on your trip, be extra gentle with yourself! For me this means avoiding loud crowded places as much as possible since they are especially draining for me. I need that energy for the rest of my trip!

Fashion: My #1 Special Interest

By Kaïa

On March 7, 2023

In Deep Interests, Masking, Social Anxiety

Today’s post is a little different. The following is a much overdue love letter to my special interest fashion.

I once bonded with a complete stranger over the color pink.

Now, if you think I love the color pink, you would be mistaken. During childhood, pink was a color I vehemently avoided because it was so girly, so basic, so cliché. However, in adulthood I began using the color pink to challenge myself. It became a way to push the boundaries of my comfort level with fashion. I bought pink clothing, despite my dislike of the color, as a way to force myself to try something new, and somehow make it work.

With all of my shortcomings socially and in my career, I at least could conquer the color pink.

It became a tool to expand my fashion skills and build my confidence in a world that constantly overlooked me. Today, I not only buy pink clothing, I buy other things that are pink. For instance, I have a pink bike (her name is Princess Bubblegum). Pink has become a reminder that I have the power to learn and grow, while simultaneously connecting me with my inner-child who maybe wanted to like pink but didn’t know how to.

In this way, fashion has been a deep interest of mine since childhood, but it didn’t truly make itself known until my freshmen year of college.

In the beginning, fashion was about “fitting in”, as it is for most kids, neurodivergent or not. But for me, my inability to access the trendy clothes that my wealthy private school classmates wore made my neurodivergent traits feel more obvious and exposed.

I remember the day I got my first pair of jeans. I was about 10 and visiting an open air mall with my family in Corte Madera, CA (a suburb of San Francisco). The jeans were slightly flared and an unnatural shade of blue because of a shimmery thread woven into the denim fabric.

Wearing those jeans was the first time I had ever truly felt “cool”. And in feeling cool, I finally felt safe. Safe from the judgment of my peers.

Also around age 10, I had a brief but prolific period where I drew pages upon pages of dresses and shoes. Not people, just dresses, and just shoes. I then concluded I would be a fashion designer “when I grew up”.

But my mom reminded me that being an apparel designer would involve learning how to sew… and I quickly lost interest. Sewing then and now has never been able to hold my attention.

Middle school and highschool saw me continuing to be a “follower” of fashion. But I always had an inkling that fashion could be something more for me. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to engage with that thought.

Then I moved to the middle of nowhere Missouri (for college) and I suddenly wasn’t afraid anymore. Why? A perfect storm of circumstances:

I was a “big city girl” in a town of just 8,000 residents and 500 students.
I found myself at an ALL GIRLS school, or in other words, there were no more scary boys around.
I almost instantly bonded with one of my roommates over fashion and we quickly became best friends.
My new best friend and I discovered and located an infamous thrift store where clothes only cost 25 cents.

Honestly, I’m not sure if my deep interest in fashion would have survived and blossomed like it did without my best friend. So thank you, Anna Lee!

I still dream about that 25 cent thrift store! It was nothing glamorous. Just a small single-story building with dingy white walled rooms filled with piles and piles of clothes. And yes, the clothes were indeed only 25 cents. But you certainly had to do a lot of digging to find anything!

We enjoyed the treasure hunt. It was an experience I imagine is akin to digging through the Goodwill bins (something I still have never done).

With clothing costing only 25 cents, I was able to explore my interest in fashion with freedom I had never experienced before (or even imagined possible). I could try all sorts of different clothing and if it didn’t work out, it only cost me 25 cents to try.

Anna Lee and I soon became known as the fashionistas on our small college campus. We did fashion photoshoot after photoshoot to occupy our free time. I poured over fashion magazines looking for inspiration. I was even elected to lead and organize a huge campus wide clothing swap my sophomore year.

I found fashion finally giving me what I had hoped it would for so many years. It had given me confidence.

Fashion quickly became one of my most valuable and beloved tools for my AuDHD.

How did it become a tool for me? Fashion became part of my mask.

Though masking is largely a bad thing, fashion is a part of my mask that I actually…enjoy! It’s part of my mask that is somehow authentically me. But masking is by nature unauthentic, right? True. So in identifying fashion as a piece of my mask, I have simultaneously identified something new about masking that we don’t yet completely understand or have the terminology for.

How does my fashion mask work? I create outfits that convey how I feel on the inside. These outfits make the confidence, the personality, the strength that is often not immediately apparent to others, visible on the outside.

If RSD is the evil sidekick that obnoxiously tags along, fashion is the trusty companion that leads me fearlessly through my day and lovingly promises to keep me safe at all costs.

Here’s what my fashion mask does for me:

It quietly and safely expresses (in a visual way) to others my true AuDHD self.
It acts as my metaphorical armor: when I look good, I feel good. When I feel good I can more comfortably take on whatever comes my way. If I wake up in a bad mood one morning, I make an effort to put on a nice outfit to lift my spirit.
It allows me to express my creativity with minimal effort and reminds me that I am indeed skilled, on those days when I feel like a useless blob that no one likes.
It earns me compliments which help soothe my RSD.
It gives me a default talking point. If anything I can compliment your outfit and connect with you through fashion. This is my go-to conversation opener with strangers (hence my conversation about the color pink).

After Missouri, I returned to Portland and fed my deep interest in fashion by taking fashion history classes at design school. I later became an assistant producer of a seasonal fashion show at the MAC which I helped produce for many years. I also trained and worked as a fashion stylist for a brief but memorable stint in 2017.

Today, I follow a lot of fashion influencers on Instagram, listen to podcasts about fashion history, check out fashion related museum exhibits, and curate a closet full of unique clothing.

Header photos + bike photo courtesy of Dre!

Information Recall & Memory with AuDHD

By Kaïa

On March 3, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Social Anxiety

There has always been a wall in my mind. A mental wall of solid brick that flies up at the slightest sign of emotional discomfort.

This wall conceals from me the library of information I have accumulated in my 32 years. It tucks away recent and long ago memories. It hides from me what makes me interesting.

When this happens, my thoughts are abruptly shoved into the corner, and I’m left helplessly stuck in the present moment. My social anxiety rises. I try to push the wall open but it slides just out of reach.

It is always just out of reach.

What happens when someone asks me a question or tries to carry on a conversation? I’m often left banging on the wall, begging it to give me the information I so desperately need. I am left unable to effectively communicate with others. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to remain calm when the wall goes up because I’ve come to expect its presence.

The wall delays my ability to answer a question fully. I described it to a friend as me “needing to submit an information request”. The information is not currently available to me. It is somewhere tucked away in the vast network of my mind. But once the information request has been submitted, the paperwork approved and filed, the information will arrive. But it will likely be a long time after the question has been posed before this information arrives. So my answer to your question might be a bit late.

It’s like neurotypical minds can send information via text, and I’m stuck with snail mail.

So what’s going on here? A lot of social anxiety, a touch of executive dysfunction, and a good amount of “I don’t know”. As with other neurodivergent traits, there are unfortunately still a lot of question marks when it comes to understanding how our brains work differently.

Social anxiety throws up the wall as a sort of protective mechanism. Whereas, executive dysfunction makes it challenging for me organize my thoughts and recall information. ADHD is notorious for making you forgetful, and when you add social anxiety into the mix, you can also have difficulty forming lasting memories. Your mind ends up being too occupied with safely navigating the social cues of the present moment.

How do I try to get around having poor memory and a wall in my mind?

You might practice an important presentation you’re giving at work. Well, I practice basic conversations I plan to have. The more I practice, the more that information stays on my side of “the wall”.
I rely heavily on taking photos to fill in the holes of my poor memory. “
I keep a lot of different task-lists on my phone that I “brain dump” into, so as to not forget things I plan to do later and to help me better organize my thoughts.

All that being said, my ability to memorize (especially directions to destinations) is above average. I often only need to travel somewhere once before I have memorized how to get back there the next time. I can also memorize series of numbers and other random strings of information much more easily than I can form actual memories.

What I’d like you to take away from this is be mindful that you don’t confuse my silence for shyness. I often don’t have access to the things I’d like to tell you. Asking me questions can help me know what specific information to request access to. Also, if you share photos you’ve taken of me or of an adventure we’ve gone on together, I will love you forever. My poor memory is a great sense of anxiety for me and sharing photos helps me form lasting memories!

What’s it Like Having Combined ADHD?

By Kaïa

On February 3, 2023

In ADHD Info, How You Can Help, My Childhood, Planning & Organization, Stimming & Fidgeting, The Basics

I’ll be honest, when my therapist suggested I might have ADHD, I was skeptical. I didn’t think I had the stereotypical traits of hyperactivity, impulsivity, a hunger for danger, or loud expressions of emotion. I have friends with ADHD and I didn’t feel like I could relate with them in that way.

But as it turns out, there is so much more to ADHD…

The ADHD stereotype we’re familiar with is largely based on the male experience with ADHD. But there are 3 known types of ADHD, and potentially even more unique expressions of it that we don’t even know about yet!

The 3 types of ADHD are: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. Hyperactive ADHD is where the stereotype originates from. Whereas, Inattentive ADHD is more common amongst women, and Combined ADHD is believed to be the most common form of ADHD.

I experience Combined ADHD which is a mix of Hyperactive and Inattentive. Though, I tend to express more Inattentive ADHD traits than Hyperactive ADHD.

I’d also like to note that since I have AuDHD, my Autism helpfully fills in many of the holes that my ADHD would otherwise leave empty. So my Autism + ADHD often do a delicate dance. Though sometimes they give up and fight it out like squabbling siblings.

There is another misunderstanding I would like to clear up about ADHD. Its name is misleading because it inaccurately describes the ADHD experience. ADHD is not an “attention deficit”. Rather it is an attention overload. When you have ADHD you have too much attention to give. As a result it can be difficult to wrangle in and control. It’s like a small child trying to walk an 100+ lb Saint Bernard.

In reality attention is often a strength those with ADHD possess. We just don’t know how to harness and control the overpowering amount of attention we have. Give someone with ADHD a task that deeply interests them, and they’ll be able to focus more deeply on it than a neurotypical person. This is called hyperfocus. I will often be so absorbed in a task that when a friend or family member comes over to talk to me, I won’t hear them because my attention is so consumed in what I am doing.

A natural way in which those with ADHD typically try to direct their attention is through fidgeting. When I was in 5th grade, I remember one of my teachers complaining to my parents that “Kaïa draws horses all over her school work.” The teacher was convinced there was NO WAY I could possibly be paying attention if I was constantly doodling horses all over my papers.

But in reality fidgeting is a common coping tool for those of us with ADHD. To get our BIG attention under control, we distract part of it with a mindless activity (like drawing), while the remainder of our attention focuses on the primary (more important) task at hand. I don’t remember exactly what happened afterwards with that teacher. But my parents encouraged me to keep drawing… just not too much on the work I handed in to that teacher.

So what does Combined ADHD look like for me? Below are 10 ways I experience it. There are many more ways, but that would be a long list!

I am highly creative and have an imagination that works in ways a neurotypical individual’s just doesn’t.
It is near impossible for me to sit still longer than 5 minutes. If I’m forced to sit still, you’ll inevitably see me fidgeting: doodling, stretching, changing how I’m sitting, scratching my head, twirling my hair, or taking a sip of a drink. I will do anything just to move!
It’s difficult for me to pay attention during long periods of talking (like during work meetings or a friend telling a story). No matter how much I want to pay attention, I am constantly having to remind my brain to pay attention… and even this act itself is distracting!
If I don’t make a to-do list for the next day, I will be completely overwhelmed by all the different directions my attention pulls me in. I will likely get nothing done. Fortunately, my Autism lives and breathes organization and it knows how to make tools to remedy this concern. But this takes a lot of effort!
It’s difficult for me to dive into a complex task unless I genuinely want to do that task because it takes a lot of mental energy to control my attention.
If I read your text and don’t immediately respond, I will probably forget to respond for a while (until I awkwardly remember to). If I do text you back, it will usually be an “essay” of a text because I need to share all the little details my attention is grasping onto!
Like your dog or cat, I too get the zoomies!
If I go to a restaurant, go shopping, or another public place, I often forget my wallet or another possession somewhere. As my grandma used to say about herself, “I’d forget my head if it weren’t attached to my body”.
I lose my phone around my home all the time. Most of my other belongings have a specific place they live for this reason.
Conversations with me go off on many tangents.

Unlike my Autism, I feel my ADHD is typically easier to navigate and work around. My Autism is a huge help in creating that work around.

You can help me too by keeping your stories succinct, letting me move around, helping me keep track of my belongings, and forgiving me if I don’t text you back immediately. Please know that I want so badly to pay attention and be present with you, but my brain has other plans!