Month: March 2023

Traveling with AuDHD

On March 24, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Planning & Organization, Sensory Issues

As many of you know, I love to travel! In fact, I live to travel! If I could travel most of the year (and comfortably bring my cats along) I would.

But rather ironically, traveling goes against a lot of my neurodivergent needs. Traveling is unpredictable, it requires a lot of social energy, and it pushes my sensory sensitivities to the MAX. But somehow it is all worth it!

The following is a guide for other neurodivergents and their traveling companions. I hope these tools will help make traveling more accessible for all my neurodivergent friends out there!

Steps to take & general recommendations for traveling as (or with) a neurodivergent individual:

1. Plan out your trip in great detail!

I cannot stress this one enough.

For me this means planning out each day of my trip. I’m flexible though, and often don’t assign a specific day to the “day plans” I create. Or in other words, what am I doing tomorrow on my trip? Well, which one of the day plans I created makes the most sense for the weather tomorrow, my predicted energy level, and what I’m in the mood for?

Some neurodivergents take this detailed planning a step further and plan out their meals. Knowing exactly what they’ll be ordering and eating each day is comforting to them.

Plan out your trip in the amount of detail that makes you feel the most comfortable. It’s a vacation after all, and you deserve to enjoy it!

My partner and I plan our trips in a shared Google spreadsheet that we both dump ideas and other trip information into. Before an upcoming trip, I’ll use that accumulation of information to plan out the days of our trip.

2. Always have (at least) a vague back-up plan for your “day plan” in case something falls through. This will help curb your anxiety if plans change.

3. Bring noise-canceling headphones and/or Loop ear plugs (or regular ear plugs). Minimize sensory overload as much as you can!

4. Bring sunglasses – Again, take care of those sensory concerns.

5. Even if it means you have to bring a larger suitcase, don’t skimp on bringing what you need to feel comfortable. Of course, still do this within reason (unless you’re Hermione Granger and have an extension charm on your bag).

For me this means bringing things that help me sleep better. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is, let alone in a strange bed in a new place.

6. If you’re traveling with a friend you’ve never traveled with, don’t make your first trip together a big important expensive trip (oh la la). Try a local trip first to make sure your traveling styles mesh well together.

7. On that note, only travel with friends and family members who understand that you will need more structure in your travel itinerary.

Set yourself up for success! Make sure they understand that this structure exists to help you feel safe and in control of an unpredictable situation (traveling).

8. If possible, rely on a friend or family member to take photos for / of you.

My partner shares a lot of his photos with me in a shared Google Photos folder. Having access to his photos helps soothe my anxiety over having to remember to take my own photos.

Also, with a poor memory due to ADHD, photos are even more important to me because they help me remember what my brain will likely forget.

9. While on your trip, use the bathroom whenever you see a bathroom… even if you don’t have to go! Your ADHD brain will thank you later.

10. On that note, also drink water whenever you can! It’s hard enough to remember to drink water on a normal day with ADHD. Make sure you don’t become dehydrated while traveling.

11. While on your trip, be extra gentle with yourself! For me this means avoiding loud crowded places as much as possible since they are especially draining for me. I need that energy for the rest of my trip!

Fashion: My #1 Special Interest

By Kaïa

On March 7, 2023

In Deep Interests, Masking, Social Anxiety

Today’s post is a little different. The following is a much overdue love letter to my special interest fashion.

I once bonded with a complete stranger over the color pink.

Now, if you think I love the color pink, you would be mistaken. During childhood, pink was a color I vehemently avoided because it was so girly, so basic, so cliché. However, in adulthood I began using the color pink to challenge myself. It became a way to push the boundaries of my comfort level with fashion. I bought pink clothing, despite my dislike of the color, as a way to force myself to try something new, and somehow make it work.

With all of my shortcomings socially and in my career, I at least could conquer the color pink.

It became a tool to expand my fashion skills and build my confidence in a world that constantly overlooked me. Today, I not only buy pink clothing, I buy other things that are pink. For instance, I have a pink bike (her name is Princess Bubblegum). Pink has become a reminder that I have the power to learn and grow, while simultaneously connecting me with my inner-child who maybe wanted to like pink but didn’t know how to.

In this way, fashion has been a deep interest of mine since childhood, but it didn’t truly make itself known until my freshmen year of college.

In the beginning, fashion was about “fitting in”, as it is for most kids, neurodivergent or not. But for me, my inability to access the trendy clothes that my wealthy private school classmates wore made my neurodivergent traits feel more obvious and exposed.

I remember the day I got my first pair of jeans. I was about 10 and visiting an open air mall with my family in Corte Madera, CA (a suburb of San Francisco). The jeans were slightly flared and an unnatural shade of blue because of a shimmery thread woven into the denim fabric.

Wearing those jeans was the first time I had ever truly felt “cool”. And in feeling cool, I finally felt safe. Safe from the judgment of my peers.

Also around age 10, I had a brief but prolific period where I drew pages upon pages of dresses and shoes. Not people, just dresses, and just shoes. I then concluded I would be a fashion designer “when I grew up”.

But my mom reminded me that being an apparel designer would involve learning how to sew… and I quickly lost interest. Sewing then and now has never been able to hold my attention.

Middle school and highschool saw me continuing to be a “follower” of fashion. But I always had an inkling that fashion could be something more for me. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to engage with that thought.

Then I moved to the middle of nowhere Missouri (for college) and I suddenly wasn’t afraid anymore. Why? A perfect storm of circumstances:

I was a “big city girl” in a town of just 8,000 residents and 500 students.
I found myself at an ALL GIRLS school, or in other words, there were no more scary boys around.
I almost instantly bonded with one of my roommates over fashion and we quickly became best friends.
My new best friend and I discovered and located an infamous thrift store where clothes only cost 25 cents.

Honestly, I’m not sure if my deep interest in fashion would have survived and blossomed like it did without my best friend. So thank you, Anna Lee!

I still dream about that 25 cent thrift store! It was nothing glamorous. Just a small single-story building with dingy white walled rooms filled with piles and piles of clothes. And yes, the clothes were indeed only 25 cents. But you certainly had to do a lot of digging to find anything!

We enjoyed the treasure hunt. It was an experience I imagine is akin to digging through the Goodwill bins (something I still have never done).

With clothing costing only 25 cents, I was able to explore my interest in fashion with freedom I had never experienced before (or even imagined possible). I could try all sorts of different clothing and if it didn’t work out, it only cost me 25 cents to try.

Anna Lee and I soon became known as the fashionistas on our small college campus. We did fashion photoshoot after photoshoot to occupy our free time. I poured over fashion magazines looking for inspiration. I was even elected to lead and organize a huge campus wide clothing swap my sophomore year.

I found fashion finally giving me what I had hoped it would for so many years. It had given me confidence.

Fashion quickly became one of my most valuable and beloved tools for my AuDHD.

How did it become a tool for me? Fashion became part of my mask.

Though masking is largely a bad thing, fashion is a part of my mask that I actually…enjoy! It’s part of my mask that is somehow authentically me. But masking is by nature unauthentic, right? True. So in identifying fashion as a piece of my mask, I have simultaneously identified something new about masking that we don’t yet completely understand or have the terminology for.

How does my fashion mask work? I create outfits that convey how I feel on the inside. These outfits make the confidence, the personality, the strength that is often not immediately apparent to others, visible on the outside.

If RSD is the evil sidekick that obnoxiously tags along, fashion is the trusty companion that leads me fearlessly through my day and lovingly promises to keep me safe at all costs.

Here’s what my fashion mask does for me:

It quietly and safely expresses (in a visual way) to others my true AuDHD self.
It acts as my metaphorical armor: when I look good, I feel good. When I feel good I can more comfortably take on whatever comes my way. If I wake up in a bad mood one morning, I make an effort to put on a nice outfit to lift my spirit.
It allows me to express my creativity with minimal effort and reminds me that I am indeed skilled, on those days when I feel like a useless blob that no one likes.
It earns me compliments which help soothe my RSD.
It gives me a default talking point. If anything I can compliment your outfit and connect with you through fashion. This is my go-to conversation opener with strangers (hence my conversation about the color pink).

After Missouri, I returned to Portland and fed my deep interest in fashion by taking fashion history classes at design school. I later became an assistant producer of a seasonal fashion show at the MAC which I helped produce for many years. I also trained and worked as a fashion stylist for a brief but memorable stint in 2017.

Today, I follow a lot of fashion influencers on Instagram, listen to podcasts about fashion history, check out fashion related museum exhibits, and curate a closet full of unique clothing.

Header photos + bike photo courtesy of Dre!

Information Recall & Memory with AuDHD

By Kaïa

On March 3, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Social Anxiety

There has always been a wall in my mind. A mental wall of solid brick that flies up at the slightest sign of emotional discomfort.

This wall conceals from me the library of information I have accumulated in my 32 years. It tucks away recent and long ago memories. It hides from me what makes me interesting.

When this happens, my thoughts are abruptly shoved into the corner, and I’m left helplessly stuck in the present moment. My social anxiety rises. I try to push the wall open but it slides just out of reach.

It is always just out of reach.

What happens when someone asks me a question or tries to carry on a conversation? I’m often left banging on the wall, begging it to give me the information I so desperately need. I am left unable to effectively communicate with others. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to remain calm when the wall goes up because I’ve come to expect its presence.

The wall delays my ability to answer a question fully. I described it to a friend as me “needing to submit an information request”. The information is not currently available to me. It is somewhere tucked away in the vast network of my mind. But once the information request has been submitted, the paperwork approved and filed, the information will arrive. But it will likely be a long time after the question has been posed before this information arrives. So my answer to your question might be a bit late.

It’s like neurotypical minds can send information via text, and I’m stuck with snail mail.

So what’s going on here? A lot of social anxiety, a touch of executive dysfunction, and a good amount of “I don’t know”. As with other neurodivergent traits, there are unfortunately still a lot of question marks when it comes to understanding how our brains work differently.

Social anxiety throws up the wall as a sort of protective mechanism. Whereas, executive dysfunction makes it challenging for me organize my thoughts and recall information. ADHD is notorious for making you forgetful, and when you add social anxiety into the mix, you can also have difficulty forming lasting memories. Your mind ends up being too occupied with safely navigating the social cues of the present moment.

How do I try to get around having poor memory and a wall in my mind?

You might practice an important presentation you’re giving at work. Well, I practice basic conversations I plan to have. The more I practice, the more that information stays on my side of “the wall”.
I rely heavily on taking photos to fill in the holes of my poor memory. “
I keep a lot of different task-lists on my phone that I “brain dump” into, so as to not forget things I plan to do later and to help me better organize my thoughts.

All that being said, my ability to memorize (especially directions to destinations) is above average. I often only need to travel somewhere once before I have memorized how to get back there the next time. I can also memorize series of numbers and other random strings of information much more easily than I can form actual memories.

What I’d like you to take away from this is be mindful that you don’t confuse my silence for shyness. I often don’t have access to the things I’d like to tell you. Asking me questions can help me know what specific information to request access to. Also, if you share photos you’ve taken of me or of an adventure we’ve gone on together, I will love you forever. My poor memory is a great sense of anxiety for me and sharing photos helps me form lasting memories!