There has always been a wall in my mind. A mental wall of solid brick that flies up at the slightest sign of emotional discomfort.
This wall conceals from me the library of information I have accumulated in my 32 years. It tucks away recent and long ago memories. It hides from me what makes me interesting.
When this happens, my thoughts are abruptly shoved into the corner, and I’m left helplessly stuck in the present moment. My social anxiety rises. I try to push the wall open but it slides just out of reach.
It is always just out of reach.
What happens when someone asks me a question or tries to carry on a conversation? I’m often left banging on the wall, begging it to give me the information I so desperately need. I am left unable to effectively communicate with others. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to remain calm when the wall goes up because I’ve come to expect its presence.
The wall delays my ability to answer a question fully. I described it to a friend as me “needing to submit an information request.” The information is not currently available to me. It is somewhere tucked away in the vast network of my mind. But once the information request has been submitted, the paperwork approved and filed, the information will arrive. But it will likely be a long time after the question has been posed before this information arrives. So my answer to your question might be a bit late.
It’s like neurotypical minds can send information via text, and I’m stuck with snail mail.
So what’s going on here? A lot of social anxiety, a touch of executive dysfunction, and a good amount of “I don’t know.” As with other neurodivergent traits, there are unfortunately still a lot of question marks when it comes to understanding how our brains work differently.
Social anxiety throws up the wall as a sort of protective mechanism. Whereas, executive dysfunction makes it challenging for me organize my thoughts and recall information. ADHD is notorious for making you forgetful, and when you add social anxiety into the mix, you can also have difficulty forming lasting memories. Your mind ends up being too occupied with safely navigating the social cues of the present moment.
How do I try to get around having poor memory and a wall in my mind?
- You might practice an important presentation you’re giving at work. Well, I practice basic conversations I plan to have. The more I practice, the more that information stays on my side of “the wall.”
- I rely heavily on taking photos to fill in the holes of my poor memory.
- I keep a lot of different task-lists on my phone that I “brain dump” into, so as to not forget things I plan to do later and to help me better organize my thoughts.
All that being said, my ability to memorize (especially directions to destinations) is above average. I often only need to travel somewhere once before I have memorized how to get back there the next time. I can also memorize series of numbers and other random strings of information much more easily than I can form actual memories.
What I’d like you to take away from this is be mindful that you don’t confuse my silence for shyness. I often don’t have access to the things I’d like to tell you. Asking me questions can help me know what specific information to request access to. Also, if you share photos you’ve taken of me or of an adventure we’ve gone on together, I will love you forever. My poor memory is a great sense of anxiety for me and sharing photos helps me form lasting memories!