Category: Masking

Autistic Burnout & Recovery Tips

On April 26, 2023

In Autism Info, Masking, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety, The Basics

In 2022, I began the arduous process of changing careers. Why? Because I was burnt out. The field I was working in (Graphic Design) ended up being highly competitive and ultimately not my true skill set.

For years, I had been working so incredibly hard just to find a shred of work, that I lost almost all my desire to work on personal creative projects in my freetime. I hope someday I’ll enjoy photography and illustration again… but for the moment, I’ll let those interests take a breather.

Recently, I discovered my burn out goes even deeper than “traditional” burn out. I’m also dealing with neurodivergent burnout.

Though, I find my neurodivergent burnout interacting with both my Autism + ADHD, I’m going to primarily talk about Autistic burnout today since there is more information available about it.

What does Autistic burnout look like for me?

I’m SO tired all the time… even though I get a solid 8 hours of sleep most days.
My anxiety is a constant companion and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m anxious.
It’s difficult for me to complete even the simplest task because it takes steps to complete, and those steps require too much brain power when my brain feels fried.
The wall in my mind is even more solid than normal and it is especially difficult for me to access information. So I find myself stumbling over my words more frequently.
I have a much lower tolerance for socializing. My partner now assumes that I will be too socially exhausted to play videogames with our friends on the weekend. Virtual socializing has always been especially taxing for me because it’s extra challenging to read social cues over just video or audio.
I’m experiencing an increase in selective mutism. I normally experience some selective mutism when I first wake up in the morning or when I don’t know how to navigate a social situation. Since regular burnout often results in a shorter temper, my selective mutism is activated more frequently.
I’m so overwhelmed that it’s extra hard for me to remember what I need to remember. I find myself making sloppy mistakes as a result.
Oh my goodness, I’ve never been so clumsy in my life! I think I’ve burned myself on the stove more times in the last few months than I have in my entire life.

I’ve been researching and researching what to do to help both of the types of burnout I’m experiencing. But being the self-aware superstar that I am, I’ve already been doing most of the recommended treatments.

You’d think this would make me feel good. But I’m left with the question, “Well, what do I do now”? The burnout is still here, alive and well.

Here are a few things I’m trying:

I’m socializing exclusively with friends and family who encourage me and who I can be less masked around.
I’m seeking comforting activities that give a more immediate reward like: watching old tv shows / movies, taking a bath, playing (relaxing) video games.
I’m seeking mental health support.
I’m temporarily reducing social activities and other more stressful tasks from my to-do list.
I’m taking more frequent breaks during the day.
I’m exercising more! Gotta get those happy brain juices flowing.
I’m taking a shower before bed to relax better.
I’m sleeping with a fan, use noise canceling headphones, wear loop ear plugs, and wear sunglasses more often to eliminate sensory issues.
I’m building tools to address and prevent future burnout. Problem solving always helps my brain feel better!

The best advice though? Know your personal symptoms of burnout and take preventative measures… before you actually get burnt out.

I now work as a Copywriter where my natural talents are being put to use. I realized the importance of pursuing a career that uses your innate strengths versus a career you are simply passionate about. I know I made the right choice because now my work excites me, completing my work is easy, and I leave work to happily write in my personal time.

Fashion: My #1 Special Interest

By Kaïa

On March 7, 2023

In Deep Interests, Masking, Social Anxiety

Today’s post is a little different. The following is a much overdue love letter to my special interest fashion.

I once bonded with a complete stranger over the color pink.

Now, if you think I love the color pink, you would be mistaken. During childhood, pink was a color I vehemently avoided because it was so girly, so basic, so cliché. However, in adulthood I began using the color pink to challenge myself. It became a way to push the boundaries of my comfort level with fashion. I bought pink clothing, despite my dislike of the color, as a way to force myself to try something new, and somehow make it work.

With all of my shortcomings socially and in my career, I at least could conquer the color pink.

It became a tool to expand my fashion skills and build my confidence in a world that constantly overlooked me. Today, I not only buy pink clothing, I buy other things that are pink. For instance, I have a pink bike (her name is Princess Bubblegum). Pink has become a reminder that I have the power to learn and grow, while simultaneously connecting me with my inner-child who maybe wanted to like pink but didn’t know how to.

In this way, fashion has been a deep interest of mine since childhood, but it didn’t truly make itself known until my freshmen year of college.

In the beginning, fashion was about “fitting in”, as it is for most kids, neurodivergent or not. But for me, my inability to access the trendy clothes that my wealthy private school classmates wore made my neurodivergent traits feel more obvious and exposed.

I remember the day I got my first pair of jeans. I was about 10 and visiting an open air mall with my family in Corte Madera, CA (a suburb of San Francisco). The jeans were slightly flared and an unnatural shade of blue because of a shimmery thread woven into the denim fabric.

Wearing those jeans was the first time I had ever truly felt “cool”. And in feeling cool, I finally felt safe. Safe from the judgment of my peers.

Also around age 10, I had a brief but prolific period where I drew pages upon pages of dresses and shoes. Not people, just dresses, and just shoes. I then concluded I would be a fashion designer “when I grew up”.

But my mom reminded me that being an apparel designer would involve learning how to sew… and I quickly lost interest. Sewing then and now has never been able to hold my attention.

Middle school and highschool saw me continuing to be a “follower” of fashion. But I always had an inkling that fashion could be something more for me. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to engage with that thought.

Then I moved to the middle of nowhere Missouri (for college) and I suddenly wasn’t afraid anymore. Why? A perfect storm of circumstances:

I was a “big city girl” in a town of just 8,000 residents and 500 students.
I found myself at an ALL GIRLS school, or in other words, there were no more scary boys around.
I almost instantly bonded with one of my roommates over fashion and we quickly became best friends.
My new best friend and I discovered and located an infamous thrift store where clothes only cost 25 cents.

Honestly, I’m not sure if my deep interest in fashion would have survived and blossomed like it did without my best friend. So thank you, Anna Lee!

I still dream about that 25 cent thrift store! It was nothing glamorous. Just a small single-story building with dingy white walled rooms filled with piles and piles of clothes. And yes, the clothes were indeed only 25 cents. But you certainly had to do a lot of digging to find anything!

We enjoyed the treasure hunt. It was an experience I imagine is akin to digging through the Goodwill bins (something I still have never done).

With clothing costing only 25 cents, I was able to explore my interest in fashion with freedom I had never experienced before (or even imagined possible). I could try all sorts of different clothing and if it didn’t work out, it only cost me 25 cents to try.

Anna Lee and I soon became known as the fashionistas on our small college campus. We did fashion photoshoot after photoshoot to occupy our free time. I poured over fashion magazines looking for inspiration. I was even elected to lead and organize a huge campus wide clothing swap my sophomore year.

I found fashion finally giving me what I had hoped it would for so many years. It had given me confidence.

Fashion quickly became one of my most valuable and beloved tools for my AuDHD.

How did it become a tool for me? Fashion became part of my mask.

Though masking is largely a bad thing, fashion is a part of my mask that I actually…enjoy! It’s part of my mask that is somehow authentically me. But masking is by nature unauthentic, right? True. So in identifying fashion as a piece of my mask, I have simultaneously identified something new about masking that we don’t yet completely understand or have the terminology for.

How does my fashion mask work? I create outfits that convey how I feel on the inside. These outfits make the confidence, the personality, the strength that is often not immediately apparent to others, visible on the outside.

If RSD is the evil sidekick that obnoxiously tags along, fashion is the trusty companion that leads me fearlessly through my day and lovingly promises to keep me safe at all costs.

Here’s what my fashion mask does for me:

It quietly and safely expresses (in a visual way) to others my true AuDHD self.
It acts as my metaphorical armor: when I look good, I feel good. When I feel good I can more comfortably take on whatever comes my way. If I wake up in a bad mood one morning, I make an effort to put on a nice outfit to lift my spirit.
It allows me to express my creativity with minimal effort and reminds me that I am indeed skilled, on those days when I feel like a useless blob that no one likes.
It earns me compliments which help soothe my RSD.
It gives me a default talking point. If anything I can compliment your outfit and connect with you through fashion. This is my go-to conversation opener with strangers (hence my conversation about the color pink).

After Missouri, I returned to Portland and fed my deep interest in fashion by taking fashion history classes at design school. I later became an assistant producer of a seasonal fashion show at the MAC which I helped produce for many years. I also trained and worked as a fashion stylist for a brief but memorable stint in 2017.

Today, I follow a lot of fashion influencers on Instagram, listen to podcasts about fashion history, check out fashion related museum exhibits, and curate a closet full of unique clothing.

Header photos + bike photo courtesy of Dre!

How does masking work for Autism & ADHD?

By Kaia

On December 22, 2022

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Masking, Social Anxiety, The Basics

I started to write a completely different blog post than this one… But I quickly realized that a solid understanding of “masking” was needed to understand the content.

So let’s take a step back, and define masking.

What is masking? It’s a number of different behaviors that (for lack of better terminology) “higher-functioning” people with Autism or ADHD do to blend in and appear “normal”. Masking is metaphorically speaking when those with Autism or ADHD wear a mask over their neurodivergent behaviors. They cover up their true personality to conform to what society expects from them.

I’ve been told that I am an expert masker. How do I mask? I force myself to make eye contact, I laugh often to cover my social anxiety, I mimic emotions, and I nod incessantly to show I’m listening.

These are just a few pieces of my mask that I’ve identified. Some of these behaviors are difficult for me to perform, while others (like the nodding) simply annoy me.

I’m still disentangling myself from my mask and determining what is “Kaïa” and what is my mask. I’ve been unknowingly masking for so long that I cannot easily flip a switch and turn off my mask. So the process of unmasking is confusing, difficult, and quite honestly an uncomfortable experience.

Why is it unpleasant to remove my mask? My mask makes me feel safe.

But masking is a double edged sword. Not to mention that masking shouldn’t even be necessary. And for something unnecessary, masking takes a surprising amount of effort. In fact, the energy vacuum created by my own masking is in part what led to my diagnosis. So thank you, I guess?

For months, I found myself stuck on the couch on my days off from work. Sometimes I would be trapped there for a solid 2 hours. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a driven individual who likes to always be busy. But as much as I mentally wanted to go get my to-do list done on those couch days, and otherwise enjoy my weekend, I physically could not get my legs to move. It was extremely frustrating because I felt like I was wasting my time. I felt like I was no longer in control of my own body…

I’ve since learned that a large part of why I found myself perpetually imprisoned by my couch was because I had used up too much of my finite energy masking. In fact, I had used up SO much energy that I had used more energy than I literally had available. Sure, I went to sleep every night for a healthy 8 hours. But it wasn’t enough because I had reached outside of my energy bank to steal energy from the future.

As I continue to peel back and remove my mask, I still find myself stuck on the couch some days. But I don’t get stuck there for as long as I used to. And I find great comfort in knowing why I’m stuck there, and that I am learning how to get “unstuck”.

This is all goes to show how years of masking can truly take its toll.

So when you see me next, if you notice I am behaving a little differently, maybe I’m acting a little more “awkward”, you shouldn’t be concerned. You certainly shouldn’t judge me for it. Instead, you should feel honored.

If I let part of my mask slip away in front of you, I’ve done so intentionally, and it is truly the highest compliment I can give you. It means I feel loved by you, that I see you as someone I can trust to keep me safe, and that you are someone who will make me feel comfortable as my true AuDHD self.

Why I hate going to parties

By Kaia

On November 16, 2022

In Autism Info, How You Can Help, Masking, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety

Ok, I love parties if they’re for me.

But besides social anxiety being my strongest Autistic trait, parties are otherwise chock full of triggers for me.

Work parties, holiday parties, birthday parties, showers, weddings, you name it, if there are strangers present, I’m already uncomfortable… I nearly have a panic attack when I just need to ask a grocery store clerk “what aisle are bread crumbs in?”.

I recently recognized that when I attend a party, I turn into “self-absorbed Kaïa”. I find myself thinking how much “cooler” I am than those around me, and then instantly feel like a terrible person for having had this thought. I give off a “holier than thou” attitude and remain aloof from those I don’t know. I become distant and short tempered with my friends because ultimately I’m just SO stressed out. I turn into someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t like.

I now understand that this is me mimicking “confident behavior” as I’ve seen in TV shows and movies. As someone with Autism, I lack the understanding of how to actually be confident. So I do the only thing I can think of, I become an actress. Somewhere along the way my subconscious identified this “self-aborbed Kaïa” to be a believable expression of confidence.

As much as I can separate myself from this behavior and tell you that I know there are much better (and kinder) ways to convey confidence, I could not tell you what that behavior looks like.

So by default, I continue to display the only “confident” behavior I can muster. This behavior serves as my armor to mask my fear of interacting with unfamiliar people.

Additionally, there are other triggers at parties for me. Here is a list of what I deal with:

Sensory issues: Loud or sudden sounds, people standing or sitting too close to me, bright lights, etc, are all too much for me. Normally, these things aren’t a big discomfort. But when you pair these sensory sensitivities with social anxiety, it adds up quickly.
Not knowing what to expect. Those of us with Autism often need to plan out our day so as to mentally prepare ourselves for what’s to come. But how do you prepare yourself for a party full of unknown events, spaces, foods, sounds, and people?
I have difficulty recalling information. Besides social anxiety, recalling information is one of my biggest Autistic struggles. People who know me may describe me as quiet. As evidenced by this blog, the truth is if I could only remember what I wanted to tell you, I would have so much to say! I can often get around this fairly well by practicing conversations I plan to have. But this is difficult when I’m going to a party and have no idea who I’ll meet, or what they’ll be interested in talking about.
Not being able to “stim” to release anxiety. I’ve only recently started flapping my hands when I’m upset or excited. I do find that it lets me release built up energy, and helps me feel better. But I don’t feel comfortable flapping my hands in front of anyone… Let alone a room full of people I don’t know. Fortunately, I do have some verbal stims, and with the pandemic, I can easily conceal those under a mask.
My ADHD makes me fidgety. Before I got my ADHD diagnosis, I could never understand how people could sit still for 30 minutes, let alone an hour or more. I am constantly playing with my hair, touching my face, scratching an imaginary itch, drinking a nearby beverage, or changing how I’m sitting. I’ll do anything just to be able to move! Not being able to move as much as I need to causes a build up of anxiety and frustration. I’m currently looking for things I can carry with me at all times and fidget with when needed.
Because I’m Autistic, I have a sensitive nervous system. A more unique sensory issue I deal with is chronic pain. Long story short, my doctor could never figure out why my back always hurt so much. After my Autism diagnosis, I had my answer. At parties it’s often hard for me to find a chair that doesn’t stab me in the back, or a couch that gives me enough back support. I’m often left pushing through a wall of pain on top of having to try to act like a normal functioning human.

So yeah, I hate going to (most) parties. They feel like an event that exists to remind me just how much I don’t fit in with “regular” people. Parties send me on an emotional rollercoaster of self-loathing, anger, and anxiety.

How can you make parties suck a little less for me?

Let me invite a friend who can be my “wing person”. This friend can open conversations for me, and provide me with other tools I need to feel more comfortable.
If you or someone at the party has a pet, bring me immediately to this pet. Animals are such a great comfort to me, and will instantly make me feel better.
If possible, help me find a less crowded, quieter space at the party to hang out in.
Help include me in conversations by asking me questions. Asking me questions will give me a designated chance to speak, and will also give me an idea of what to talk about.
Help me get food. When I am at big social event like this, I often enter a “fight or flight” state. In this state, food becomes a luxury, it becomes irrelevant. It feels like a monstrous task to locate the food, find allergy friendly options (I have food allergies), choose which foods I want, put them on a plate, and eat them without feeling like everyone is staring at me.
Stop asking me to sing or dance in public. I know my friends find this fear of mine irrational and amusing. They think if they just push me a little further, I’ll sing or dance, and see how fun it is. What they don’t realize is the unbridled terror that this request brings me. I hope my friends will soon recognize how cruel it actually is to ask me to do this. Just because I don’t dance or sing in public, doesn’t mean I have an inability to have fun. In fact, I enjoy singing and dancing… by myself.
Don’t expect me to stay long at the party. It takes a lot of energy and often literal pain for me to attend your party.

Why change can be so difficult for those with Autism

By Kaia

On November 15, 2022

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, How You Can Help, Masking, My Childhood, Planning & Organization, The Basics

Schedule changes are one of the most common triggers that my friends + family may encounter with me.

Generally speaking, very few of us like change. Change is uncharted territory. It is unpredictable, unforeseen, and may take away something we very much enjoy. But for some individuals with Autism, change can be debilitating.

As neurodivergents we must mask our behaviors to behave how neurotypicals expect us to. Let me tell you, that task alone takes A LOT of energy! And I have to do this every day. Masking one’s Autism may also prove too challenging or confusing for some individuals, and is simply not possible.

I personally didn’t realize how much energy I had been spending for the first 30 years of my life pretending to be ok with tasks or events that actually made me very uncomfortable. So change can be the “nail in the coffin” by making it even more exhausting to fit into a neurotypical world.

For this reason, many of us with Autism plan out our day. In fact, if I had an infinite amount of time, I would plan out my day to the most minute detail. Creating a set schedule for the day can help those of us with Autism predict what events or tasks we need to mentally prepare for, tell us how to best spend our energy, and thereby give us a sense of control in a world that can otherwise feel difficult to navigate. This is “spo o n theory” at its finest!

I have been planning out my day ever since I was issued my first planner (book) in middle-school. It was then that I learned the “power of planning”! Back then I was instructed to write down my class schedule, take note of each homework assignment, and record its corresponding due date.

Today, (thank God) I no longer have homework! But I still religiously plan out my day in an effort to spend my limited energy efficiently, and have a better idea of what to expect tomorrow. This ensures that I have enough energy left over for myself at the end of the day… you know, to have fun! If I don’t plan out my day I feel completely lost.

The analogy that always conveniently pops into my head is a wooden row boat floating in a vast ocean, with no destination, and without means to propel itself through the water. The boat is simultaneously floating around, but stuck, and heading no where in particular.

My ADHD makes my need to plan even more critical. ADHD causes me bounce around from task to task, making it difficult to track how much time I’m spending, and thereby making me take way longer to complete basic tasks. Planning out my days keeps my ADHD productively occupied, and makes me feel accomplished. In addition, once I have a plan for the day, my Autism brain memorizes it fairly well, and usually prevents my ADHD from also forgetting what I should be doing. I’m grateful that in this sense my Autism can often keep its ADHD sibling in check.

However, when changes arise during the day, no matter if they’re good or bad, they can really throw me off. Changes to my schedule often send me in a downward spiral of frustration and confusion. As a result, I sometimes end up spending a lot of time trying to rebuild my sense of stability. This frustrates me further, because it often feels like I’m wasting time. But I’m working on being gentle with myself, and recognizing that even though this unforeseen change was likely unnecessary, the time I need to recover is.

Fortunately, with practice I’ve gotten pretty good at staying calm and talking myself through unexpected events. I’m also better at recognizing good changes in the day (like a friend suddenly inviting me to hang out that evening) as something truly “good”. But it can still feel like that little bit of control I have managed to scrape together is being stolen away from me. It can feel unfair. It can feel disorienting. It can feel defeating.

So how can you be more mindful of my (and other’s) schedule change sensitivities? Here are 6 ways you can help:

Try to make plans with me only if you are certain you will be able to keep them. If your plans do change, please try to give me as much advance warning as possible. Even if this means letting me know that the plans might change.
Be a good communicator. Be honest + open about how you want to spend our time together. Clearly communicating our plans will help me know what to mentally prepare for.
Respond “Yes” to the calendar invite I send you for our planned time together.
Let me know when you are leaving to meet me somewhere, or when you are leaving to pick me up. I will do likewise!
If plans are canceled, if possible reschedule the plans immediately. Rescheduling will help me overcome the schedule change by knowing the canceled plan will still happen.
Don’t take it personally if I am distant, vague, or unemotional when you cancel plans with me. I am trying to protect you from my tsunami of emotions.