Category: Sensory Issues

What is it Like to be Extremely Self-Aware with AuDHD?

On May 31, 2023

In Autism Info, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety

I am extremely self-aware. Most of the time, too self-aware. And I’m learning that neurodivergents in general tend to fall on the edges of the spectrum when it comes to self-awareness. We’re often either extremely self-aware or we lack a sense of self-awareness entirely.

For me, being hyper self-aware has led some individuals to praise me for being intuitive. Whereas others scold me for being “paranoid.”

What does being extremely self-aware look like for me?

I notice every. little. thing. going on inside me: I catch health concerns so early that my doctor often doesn’t know what to make of it at first. Take for instance my alopecia that took 1 year to diagnose because I caught it so early my doctor couldn’t initially detect it.
I deeply understand how my mind works: Therapists have told me time and again that “I’m already doing everything I can” or that “I seem to already have all the answers.” However, my RSD feeds into my overt self-awareness by making me overthink my self-aware thoughts. So even though others may tell me “I already have all the answers,” it’s extremely difficult for me to come to this conclusion on my own.

I have also lived most of my life being haunted by the feeling that there was a piece of information I was missing about myself… my AuDHD diagnosis. My self-awareness knew for many years that I was neurodivergent, but had no name for what I was experiencing. When I asked for help, I was told I would “outgrow it.”

Having an extreme sense of self-awareness often makes it difficult for me to find the help I need because I typically identify problems that are too unique to easily solve.

Fortunately, I inherited a love of gathering data from my dad and I truly enjoy learning. I’m genuinely curious about my “true self.” I want so badly to understand her and how my brain works, so I can help her shine. I know that this process of understanding is a life-long journey…for all of us, and I am down for the ride!

There’s a quote from David Bowie that describes this concept perfectly, “Ageing is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.” I’ve always felt myself to be in the constant pursuit of uncovering who I truly am, and finally being able to comfortably be my most authentic self.

So yes, when I seek help for problems my self-awareness uncovers the answers I find often aren’t enough. It’s a frustrating and discouraging experience to search and search for the end to a problem, only to find that no one has really found an answer to my question.

Per usual the game of life is on “hard mode” for me and other neurodivergents.

All that being said – even though my hyper self-awareness often creates problems by overloading my brain with concerns, I do greatly appreciate it in other ways. I like that I understand myself more deeply than other people my age typically do. I suspect this is why some of us are perceived as “old souls.” It makes me feel like for all the difficulties my AuDHD might cause me, at least I have a deep relationship with myself.

I already feel like a more authentic human.

Autistic Burnout & Recovery Tips

By Kaïa

On April 26, 2023

In Autism Info, Masking, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety, The Basics

In 2022, I began the arduous process of changing careers. Why? Because I was burnt out. The field I was working in (Graphic Design) ended up being highly competitive and ultimately not my true skill set.

For years, I had been working so incredibly hard just to find a shred of work, that I lost almost all my desire to work on personal creative projects in my freetime. I hope someday I’ll enjoy photography and illustration again… but for the moment, I’ll let those interests take a breather.

Recently, I discovered my burn out goes even deeper than “traditional” burn out. I’m also dealing with neurodivergent burnout.

Though, I find my neurodivergent burnout interacting with both my Autism + ADHD, I’m going to primarily talk about Autistic burnout today since there is more information available about it.

What does Autistic burnout look like for me?

I’m SO tired all the time… even though I get a solid 8 hours of sleep most days.
My anxiety is a constant companion and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m anxious.
It’s difficult for me to complete even the simplest task because it takes steps to complete, and those steps require too much brain power when my brain feels fried.
The wall in my mind is even more solid than normal and it is especially difficult for me to access information. So I find myself stumbling over my words more frequently.
I have a much lower tolerance for socializing. My partner now assumes that I will be too socially exhausted to play videogames with our friends on the weekend. Virtual socializing has always been especially taxing for me because it’s extra challenging to read social cues over just video or audio.
I’m experiencing an increase in selective mutism. I normally experience some selective mutism when I first wake up in the morning or when I don’t know how to navigate a social situation. Since regular burnout often results in a shorter temper, my selective mutism is activated more frequently.
I’m so overwhelmed that it’s extra hard for me to remember what I need to remember. I find myself making sloppy mistakes as a result.
Oh my goodness, I’ve never been so clumsy in my life! I think I’ve burned myself on the stove more times in the last few months than I have in my entire life.

I’ve been researching and researching what to do to help both of the types of burnout I’m experiencing. But being the self-aware superstar that I am, I’ve already been doing most of the recommended treatments.

You’d think this would make me feel good. But I’m left with the question, “Well, what do I do now”? The burnout is still here, alive and well.

Here are a few things I’m trying:

I’m socializing exclusively with friends and family who encourage me and who I can be less masked around.
I’m seeking comforting activities that give a more immediate reward like: watching old tv shows / movies, taking a bath, playing (relaxing) video games.
I’m seeking mental health support.
I’m temporarily reducing social activities and other more stressful tasks from my to-do list.
I’m taking more frequent breaks during the day.
I’m exercising more! Gotta get those happy brain juices flowing.
I’m taking a shower before bed to relax better.
I’m sleeping with a fan, use noise canceling headphones, wear loop ear plugs, and wear sunglasses more often to eliminate sensory issues.
I’m building tools to address and prevent future burnout. Problem solving always helps my brain feel better!

The best advice though? Know your personal symptoms of burnout and take preventative measures… before you actually get burnt out.

I now work as a Copywriter where my natural talents are being put to use. I realized the importance of pursuing a career that uses your innate strengths versus a career you are simply passionate about. I know I made the right choice because now my work excites me, completing my work is easy, and I leave work to happily write in my personal time.

Traveling with AuDHD

By Kaïa

On March 24, 2023

In ADHD Info, Autism Info, Planning & Organization, Sensory Issues

As many of you know, I love to travel! In fact, I live to travel! If I could travel most of the year (and comfortably bring my cats along) I would.

But rather ironically, traveling goes against a lot of my neurodivergent needs. Traveling is unpredictable, it requires a lot of social energy, and it pushes my sensory sensitivities to the MAX. But somehow it fills me up and is entirely worth it!

The following is a guide for other neurodivergents and their traveling companions. I hope these tools will help make traveling more accessible for my fellow neurodivergents out there!

Steps to take & general recommendations for traveling as (or with) a neurodivergent individual:

1. Plan out your trip in great detail!

I cannot stress this one enough.

For me this means planning out each day of my trip. I’m flexible though, and often don’t assign a specific day to the “day plans” I create. Or in other words, what am I doing tomorrow on my trip? Well, which one of the day plans I created makes the most sense for the weather tomorrow, my predicted energy level, and what I’m in the mood for?

Some neurodivergents take this detailed planning a step further and plan out their meals. Knowing exactly what they’ll be ordering and eating each day is comforting to them.

Plan out your trip in the amount of detail that makes you feel the most comfortable. It’s a vacation after all, and you deserve to enjoy it!

My partner and I plan our trips in a shared Google spreadsheet that we both dump ideas into. Before an upcoming trip, I’ll use that accumulation of information to plan out the days of our trip. Planning provides you with a more predictable schedule for an otherwise unpredictable experience.

2. Always have (at least) a vague back-up plan for your “day plan” in case something falls through. This will help curb your anxiety if plans change.

3. Bring noise-canceling headphones and/or Loop ear plugs (or regular ear plugs) to minimize sensory overload as much as you can. Headphones and earplugs are not only great for the plane, they’re helpful in loud city settings that are overwhelming as is.

4. Bring sunglasses – Again, take care of those sensory concerns.

5. Even if it means you have to bring a larger suitcase, don’t skimp on bringing what you need to feel comfortable. Of course, still do this within reason (unless you’re Hermione Granger and have an extension charm on your bag).

For me this means bringing things that help me sleep better. I have enough trouble sleeping in my own bed, let alone in a strange bed in a new place.

6. If you’re traveling with a friend you’ve never traveled with, don’t make your first trip together a big important expensive trip. Try a local trip first to make sure your traveling styles mesh well together.

7. On that note, only travel with friends and family members who understand that you will need more structure in your travel itinerary.

Set yourself up for success! Make sure they understand that this structure exists to help you feel safe and in control of an unpredictable situation (traveling).

8. If possible, rely on a friend or family member to take photos for / of you.

My partner shares a lot of his photos with me in a shared Google Photos folder. Having access to his photos helps soothe my anxiety over having to remember to take my own photos.

Also, with a poor memory due to ADHD, photos are even more important to me because they help me remember what my brain will too easily forget.

9. While on your trip, use the bathroom whenever you see a bathroom… even if you don’t need one at the moment! Your ADHD brain will thank you later.

10. On that note, also drink water whenever you can! It’s hard enough to remember to drink water on a normal day with ADHD. Make sure you don’t become dehydrated while traveling.

11. While on your trip, be extra gentle with yourself! For me this means being mindful of how I spend my energy and avoiding loud crowded places as much as possible since they are especially draining for me. I need that energy for the rest of my trip!

Why I hate going to parties

By Kaia

On November 16, 2022

In Autism Info, How You Can Help, Masking, Sensory Issues, Social Anxiety

Ok, I love parties if they’re for me.

But besides social anxiety being my strongest Autistic trait, parties are otherwise chock full of triggers for me.

Work parties, holiday parties, birthday parties, showers, weddings, you name it, if there are strangers present, I’m already uncomfortable… I nearly have a panic attack when I just need to ask a grocery store clerk “what aisle are bread crumbs in?”.

I recently recognized that when I attend a party, I turn into “self-absorbed Kaïa”. I find myself thinking how much “cooler” I am than those around me, and then instantly feel like a terrible person for having had this thought. I give off a “holier than thou” attitude and remain aloof from those I don’t know. I become distant and short tempered with my friends because ultimately I’m just SO stressed out. I turn into someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t like.

I now understand that this is me mimicking “confident behavior” as I’ve seen in TV shows and movies. As someone with Autism, I lack the understanding of how to actually be confident. So I do the only thing I can think of, I become an actress. Somewhere along the way my subconscious identified this “self-aborbed Kaïa” to be a believable expression of confidence.

As much as I can separate myself from this behavior and tell you that I know there are much better (and kinder) ways to convey confidence, I could not tell you what that behavior looks like.

So by default, I continue to display the only “confident” behavior I can muster. This behavior serves as my armor to mask my fear of interacting with unfamiliar people.

Additionally, there are other triggers at parties for me. Here is a list of what I deal with:

Sensory issues: Loud or sudden sounds, people standing or sitting too close to me, bright lights, etc, are all too much for me. Normally, these things aren’t a big discomfort. But when you pair these sensory sensitivities with social anxiety, it adds up quickly.
Not knowing what to expect. Those of us with Autism often need to plan out our day so as to mentally prepare ourselves for what’s to come. But how do you prepare yourself for a party full of unknown events, spaces, foods, sounds, and people?
I have difficulty recalling information. Besides social anxiety, recalling information is one of my biggest Autistic struggles. People who know me may describe me as quiet. As evidenced by this blog, the truth is if I could only remember what I wanted to tell you, I would have so much to say! I can often get around this fairly well by practicing conversations I plan to have. But this is difficult when I’m going to a party and have no idea who I’ll meet, or what they’ll be interested in talking about.
Not being able to “stim” to release anxiety. I’ve only recently started flapping my hands when I’m upset or excited. I do find that it lets me release built up energy, and helps me feel better. But I don’t feel comfortable flapping my hands in front of anyone… Let alone a room full of people I don’t know. Fortunately, I do have some verbal stims, and with the pandemic, I can easily conceal those under a mask.
My ADHD makes me fidgety. Before I got my ADHD diagnosis, I could never understand how people could sit still for 30 minutes, let alone an hour or more. I am constantly playing with my hair, touching my face, scratching an imaginary itch, drinking a nearby beverage, or changing how I’m sitting. I’ll do anything just to be able to move! Not being able to move as much as I need to causes a build up of anxiety and frustration. I’m currently looking for things I can carry with me at all times and fidget with when needed.
Because I’m Autistic, I have a sensitive nervous system. A more unique sensory issue I deal with is chronic pain. Long story short, my doctor could never figure out why my back always hurt so much. After my Autism diagnosis, I had my answer. At parties it’s often hard for me to find a chair that doesn’t stab me in the back, or a couch that gives me enough back support. I’m often left pushing through a wall of pain on top of having to try to act like a normal functioning human.

So yeah, I hate going to (most) parties. They feel like an event that exists to remind me just how much I don’t fit in with “regular” people. Parties send me on an emotional rollercoaster of self-loathing, anger, and anxiety.

How can you make parties suck a little less for me?

Let me invite a friend who can be my “wing person”. This friend can open conversations for me, and provide me with other tools I need to feel more comfortable.
If you or someone at the party has a pet, bring me immediately to this pet. Animals are such a great comfort to me, and will instantly make me feel better.
If possible, help me find a less crowded, quieter space at the party to hang out in.
Help include me in conversations by asking me questions. Asking me questions will give me a designated chance to speak, and will also give me an idea of what to talk about.
Help me get food. When I am at big social event like this, I often enter a “fight or flight” state. In this state, food becomes a luxury, it becomes irrelevant. It feels like a monstrous task to locate the food, find allergy friendly options (I have food allergies), choose which foods I want, put them on a plate, and eat them without feeling like everyone is staring at me.
Stop asking me to sing or dance in public. I know my friends find this fear of mine irrational and amusing. They think if they just push me a little further, I’ll sing or dance, and see how fun it is. What they don’t realize is the unbridled terror that this request brings me. I hope my friends will soon recognize how cruel it actually is to ask me to do this. Just because I don’t dance or sing in public, doesn’t mean I have an inability to have fun. In fact, I enjoy singing and dancing… by myself.
Don’t expect me to stay long at the party. It takes a lot of energy and often literal pain for me to attend your party.